JUNE 29, 2014
I don’t write a blog post often. As someone who believes he loves writing, I am shocked by how little of it I actually do.
Regardless, I am writing now, and it was a complete spur of the moment decision. The desire to write these words just hit me. I suspect this will be the least planned post I ever write.
The inspiration came from a friend who tweeted about how odd the concept of sleep is. You lie there with your eyes closed until you fall asleep. I must admit, I too have thought about this, but not for a long time. I distinctly remember lying awake at night as a child unable to sleep. I remember thinking, “Why do we have to sleep?”.
You see, in those days, I could never sleep. Every night, I’d lie awake for hours not being able to sleep. Was I tired? Yes. Could I sleep? No.
It was at this time where my mind would turn on, and I’d start to think.
I don’t know what caused what. Could I not sleep because I was thinking too much? Or was I thinking because I couldn’t sleep?
Whatever the reason, for as long as I can remember, I have been thinking. I’ve been told that there are people who can stop thinking. To me, that makes about as much sense as a three dollar bill. I don’t know why my brain works this way, but it does. Maybe it’s because as a small child my situation I was such that I would not wish it upon any child, and I’d lie awake at night trying to make sense of a very serious issue that has no logical answer. Often I’ve wondered if that situation formed me as a child and made me into a “thinker.” If that’s the case, than I suppose I should be grateful for that situation, as horrifying as it was. It made me into something that I love: a deep thinker.
Deep thought has since become my number one passion. I love pondering great issues like: “What are the theological implications of dark matter?” or “What if time doesn’t actually exist?” (It does. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and it does. However, it’s fun to think about what life would be like if time did not exist). My life revolves around thinking. If Catholicism didn’t have rich and deep theology, tradition, and liturgy, I probably wouldn’t be a practicing Catholic. The ability to sit and think about those issues keep me passionately in the Catholic faith. The depth of Catholicism is something I need, as someone who sucks at praying and “feeling things spiritually.” If I could not think, my life would be so boring. That’s why my favorite TV show is “Sherlock” and why my second and third favorite shows are “Hannibal” and “The Blacklist”, respectively. Those shows make me think long after the episode has ended.
There is, unfortunately, a downside to all of this. The problem is this: I can’t stop. I’m addicted to thinking. My mind is constantly thinking about something. As a result, I struggle to focus on something for too long (although, the Adderal helps), and I also over think things. The former of the two aforementioned things is improving; while the latter is getting worse.
I recently graduated college, and I cannot look for a job because I don’t know what I want to do. When my brain tries to think about it, I get hung up because my brain is over-analyzing everything. No matter what career path I come up with, my brain can find a reason why I would hate it.
Another spot where this bites me in the butt is dating. There is this lady friend of mine I’ve been considering asking out for a couple of years now. However, I cannot decide whether or not that’s what I want to do, and so I stay in this awkward state.
I overthink and overthink. I become afraid to make the wrong decision, so I end up making no decision which is the wrong decision.
Despite the paralyzingly effect this has on my life, I would not get rid of this quality for any sum of money.